personal development relationships The Red Carpet

Worried About Not Being Good Enough?

Today, please welcome Hiten Vyas, who blogs at http://hitenvyas.com. Hiten recently launched his ebook “Job Interview Confidence: Replacing Anxiety with Self-Belief.” This eBook is the first in an NLP series for people who stammer, to deal with those key situations in life, where stammering can be a problem. The first one is all about dealing with the anxiety of job interviews and replacing negative beliefs with empowering ones.

Hiten’s story is an inspiring one. Early on in his life, he has experienced extreme amounts of fear and anxiety because he stammered – and this crippled all aspects of his life. In 2003, he entered the personal development field and since, literally transformed himself into a successful person. His passion is in helping people overcome their difficulties and helping them live the life they want, and deserve. I am happy to welcome him here today, to talk about why belief in oneself is key to building / improving relationships. Take it away, Hiten!

Why self-belief is important to improve your relationships

Relationships are a part of life.
Relationships are a vital part of being human.
We relate with others all the time. We meet and connect with family, friends, colleagues, and even people we meet for brief periods at places like bus stops, and shopping centers.
Relationships are a two way thing. It takes two people to make an effort and create a meaningful relationship.
My story
Let me tell you something about my own life for a moment with regard to relating. I used to think I was terrible at relating to people and was very bad at forming relationships. You see – I stuttered – I couldn’t even speak properly. How could I ever talk to people when speech is a basic tool we use to communicate with others?
Because of my perceived shortcomings about my ability to build relationships, I felt as though I was in a real mess – and stuck in strong glue from which I couldn’t get out. 
Do you sometimes think you’re not good at forming relationships? 
Often these thoughts are based on certain beliefs we hold about relationships. Let’s explore some of these and see if you too can relate to some of them.
Limiting beliefs about relationships
Below is a list of limiting beliefs about relationships:
1. I’m a poor communicator, which means I’m not good at creating relationships.
2. I don’t have the right status to be able to create relationships with certain people.
3. I’m not likable so I can’t form relationships.
4. I never know what to say to other people and this stops me from making friends.
5. I’m no good with people.
Beliefs like these can create…
Anxiety
Anxiety is a common state one experiences in relation to relationships. But why does this happen? Here are some reasons:
1. Rather than sharing your views and experiences when interacting with others, you hold back as you believe what you have to say isn’t interesting enough.
2. You believe you can’t connect with other people, so when an opportunity arises to meet others (such as attending parties or weddings), you worry you won’t be able to handle it, and you back out and don’t even attend.
3. You might become fearful that your partner is beginning to care less about you, or perhaps you worry he/she is cheating on you.
4. You believe you’re not good enough (based on physical appearance or economic status), which makes you anxious about interacting with people, who you perceive to be “better” than you.
5. If you’ve had a bad relationship with a certain person and the opportunity comes to improve it, your memories about the previous time makes you so anxious that you doubt you will ever be able to do it.

Can you change this?

Yes! 

If you find yourself entertaining negative beliefs and thoughts similar to those described above, there is a lot you can do to improve the way you relate with others. 
Start by taking stock of yourself – and changing yourself, little by little. 
Here are some powerful yet effective ways to do this:
  1. Improve your self-image with regard to creating relationships. Rather than think you’re not a people person, stop to think what it would be like if you were. Use imagery – visualize yourself as someone who is good at relating with others. Once you do this, become the image, so you’re now looking out into the world through the eyes of the “you” who is amazing at building relationships.
  2. Leverage your inherent strengths – demonstrate these and increase your self-confidence. Understand that everyone has weaknesses and that we all have an opportunity to improve certain aspects of our lives. 
  3. Develop self-esteem by accepting and appreciating all that you have to offer to the world. Love yourself. This will help you begin to value yourself more, and help you develop healthy relationships. You will begin to depend less on others liking you – as you will always like yourself, no matter what the outcome of your interactions with people.
  4. Rather than avoid going into situations where there are opportunities to create relationships, actually step into them. Examples are:  attending an evening class, joining a gym or sports club – to help you practice developing your relating skills in small chunks. As you do this, you will become better at relating with people, endorsing the fact that you are, indeed, a social person and good with people. Over time, this will erase the limiting beliefs you had about your ability to form meaningful and lasting relationships.

In conclusion…

I would like to repeat what I stated earlier: relationships are always a two way thing. We need people to form relationships with.

To build the relationships you truly want, and mean the most to you, try using the tips above. Change yourself. Enjoy the difference.

Have you, like me, worried about not being good enough?
Do you find it tough to form relationships?
How do you overcome this?

Please share in the comments!

Thank you, Hiten!


Hiten Vyas is a personal development coach and lives in the UK. He is passionate about helping people increase their confidence and reduce their anxiety. Please visit his website to find out more   Hiten is also the author of the ebook entitled ‘Job Interview Confidence:Replacing Anxiety with Self-Belief’ which is available from Amazon.com 







Thank you for subscribing to my blog! Do consider leaving a comment – or just reply to this email! I’d love to know what you think.

Cheers!

Vidya

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23 Comments

  • Reply
    Harleena Singh
    October 6, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Wonderful Hiten and so nice to see you here! Vidya sure knows how to get some awesome people on her blog. 🙂

    I’ve heard so much about your book Hiten, and am sure it’s going to be a great one too. I guess maintaining relationships, whether we have a problem like stammering or otherwise is vital for all of us. And it does need to be a two way process. The biggest part of maintaining a good relationship is also that you need to be a good listener, which very few of us are.

    Besides that, to build on a relationship we do need to be a good communicator, just as you mentioned. I guess the anxiety factor does come up when you feel you cannot express or talk out to people.

    You are absolutely right – there is nothing else that works, other than changing yourself and your thoughts. As I always say, it’s all in the mind. If we think we can – we can…or else we never will. 🙂

    Thanks so much for sharing about an important aspect of our life. 🙂

  • Reply
    Hiten
    October 6, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Thank you so much! It’s great to see you here too!

    It’s lovely to be at Vidya’s brilliant blog! It’s such a vibrant place full of positive energy.

    The point you made about the importance of listening in relationships is so important. And I agree, very few of us truly do listen. However, we can all improve. Lessons in this regard can be taken from those who are great listeners. Such individuals really do stand out. They won’t say even one word until we have finished what we are saying. Only then will they speak.

    When we do become anxious about our ability to relate to others and about our existing relationships, our thoughts are probably one of the greatest contributors to what we are experiencing. It may seem like other people are causing us to become anxious. However, by understanding how we are creating anxious thoughts to stimuli (either people we interact with or to other thoughts we are having), we can quickly understand how the anxiety is being formed. We can then begin to break it down by learning to think in other, more resourceful ways.

    I loved how you said “it’s all in the mind. If we think we can – we can…or else we never will.”

    Indeed, I have heard you say this a number of times previously. There is so much truth in it and we can all be wise to contemplate, and practice for ourselves how this works. It can literally be life changing.

    Thank you so much for reading the post and for leaving your awesome comment, Harleena!

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

      Hi Harleena and Hiten!

      It is great to have Hiten here! 🙂

      Most of the time our confidence drains out because our anxiety over the outcome of our actions slowly rises. Depending on how badly we want something, rather than just go out and get it, we often tend to panic a little. This probably blanks our mind out a bit.

      Hiten’s tips are a great starting point to get over this feeling.

      Your point of listening is perfect, Harleena, and to do this, we have to stay in the present moment and not give in to stage fright! 🙂

      Thank you Hiten and thank you, Harleena for your valuable input!

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 7, 2012 at 5:37 pm

      Hi Vidya,

      One of the greatest gifts one can give themselves is to learn how to catch an anxious thought arising, label it as being false, and come back to the present moment.

      It’s useful to remember Gandhi Bapu’s message that we really can only deal with the present moment. We do not have the capacity to deal with what will happen in the future. Sure we can consider it and make plans for it. However, creating anxiety about it is just a fruitless exercise.

      Thank you Vidya.

  • Reply
    Vaibhav T
    October 6, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Hi Hiten

    Thanks for this nice writeup.when i was reading, same thoughts were coming in my mind.Fear to communicate with people, Anxiety,fear to meet with people who are better than you etc.As Harleena said it’s all in mind and i think am totally negative now.

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

      Hi Vaibhav,

      Great to see you here and glad you liked the post.

      I recommend getting hold of a copy of the book entitled Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. I’m sure you will find it helpful.

      I suggest you immerse yourself in a much self-help literature related to overcoming anxiety as you can.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 7, 2012 at 11:50 am

      Hi Vaibhav,

      Welcome to Going A-Musing! 🙂 Hiten’s suggestion for you is great. May I also suggest meditation – it helps clear your mind of negative thoughts and gives you the right focus to achieve what you want.

      Peace be with you!

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 7, 2012 at 5:42 pm

      Hi Vidya,

      Brilliant suggest for Vaibhav.

      Vaibhav, mindfulness meditation is great for anxiety. I’m sure there will be a number of local venues holding such meditation sittings and many should be free or charge.

  • Reply
    Vishnu
    October 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    hi Hiten – enjoyed reading your post and tips on challenging, overcoming these deep-rooted beliefs we have.

    Where do these beliefs come from and aren’t they unfairly instilled in us by our parents, friends, and elders as we grow up? Some from life circumstances as well.

    It’s so damaging to have others shape our belief system but this what happens during several earlier years of our life and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to reshape our beliefs – which is possible but a challenge.

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Vishnu,

      It’s great to connect with you!

      I’m really glad you enjoyed the post and thank you for reading.

      Indeed, as you quite rightly said, some of these deep and unhelpful beliefs are instilled by parents, teachers and friends. Most of the time they mean well. For instance, teaching discipline and respect for people is good.

      However, they also have the potential to create damage. This usually happens if the youngster develops beliefs that creates self-esteem problems. The youngster then grows into an adult unsure of themselves.

      Parents can do a lot here. They can ensure that what they are teaching kids is not a manifestation of their own insecurities they are holding onto from their own childhood.

      I agree so many of us spend our adulthood breaking down old beliefs and developing news ones. At least such people will hopefully be more wiser, when they bring up their own kids, and have a better understanding on what is happening when kids pick up our beliefs.

      Thank you for your brilliant comment. I appreciate you adding to the discussion.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 13, 2012 at 5:38 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Vishnu. Yes – I’ve wondered, too, how we cultivate all those negative thoughts and feelings. It is sad to think that they often develop subconsciously and let us down when we are most anxious to do well. Sometimes we ignore the feeling when it is in the background. Stage fright is often like that 🙂

      Hiten is absolutely right when he says parents can help with this, because children do tend to pick up the opinions they are exposed to,and adopt them as their own.

      Thanks again, Vishnu…Hiten 🙂

  • Reply
    Hiten
    October 7, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Dear Vidya,

    Hope you’re having a good weekend!

    I just wanted to say I’m thrilled to be at your blog and a big thanks for having me.

    Hugs!

    Hiten

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 7, 2012 at 11:51 am

      Absolutely my pleasure, Hiten!

      It is a quiet weekend here 🙂

      Thank you so much for the privilege.

      Hugs, Vidya

  • Reply
    Galen Pearl
    October 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    This is the second article I’ve read this morning on the same topic, so I think I should pay attention! Great to see two perspectives as well. I’ve got the message in stereo now. Okay, Universe, I’m listening! Thanks for the great advice.

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 7, 2012 at 5:47 pm

      Hi Galen,

      I too love it, when I read 2-3 posts from different authors on the same topic!

      It helps to really get the messages internalised and is refreshing, as each person writes in their own unique way.

      Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate your support.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 13, 2012 at 5:36 pm

      🙂 I enjoy the feeling when I see posts on the same topic in apparently diverse blogs. I am guilty of not listening, sometimes 😀 Thanks for your comment, Galen. I sense you are especially busy! 😀 Hugs!

  • Reply
    rob white
    October 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Hi HIten,
    I love how you so earnestly bring your life into the blog. Harmonious relationships are an essential aspect of living a fulfilling life. I used to surround myself with stormy melodramas and soap operas. It was the force of my Counterfeit Self that caused me to create turmoil rather than harmony. The Counterfeit Self is a complex force of energy that is cruel to us. It’s a noble act to take inventory of the many ways the Counterfeit Self attacks, and then move to remove this force from its position of prominence in our lives. Everyone is a “people person” when we act authentically and from our original nature.

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 8, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      Hi Rob,

      Thank you for your amazing comment!

      The way you are able to express such profound messages in such few words is extraordinary.

      I’ve been contemplating recently how devious and tricky the Counterfeit Self really is. It’s like its there in the background waiting for an opportunity to arise. When I notice this false self, I’ve found it useful to knowingly laugh right back at it. It’s power diminishes.

      Thank you for reading the post and for sharing your experiences and wisdom in this area.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 13, 2012 at 5:40 pm

      Thank you for your valuable input, Rob. So good to see you here. yes, I think Hiten’s voice is just great. I like how you mention “Counterfeit self” and why we should move on to “authentic self”.

      Thanks again!

  • Reply
    bpntrp
    October 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    A beautiful piece of work. Loved it Vidya. Many thanks and SMiles.. (from Kathmandu)

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      October 13, 2012 at 5:41 pm

      Welcome, and thank you very much, Bipin. Yes, Hiten’s post rocks, no?

      Do visit again!

  • Reply
    bpntrp
    October 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Hiten, many thanks to you for a nicely laid out ideas on relationship formation. Enjoyed it..

    • Reply
      Hiten
      October 8, 2012 at 8:41 pm

      Hi Bipin,

      Thank you for reading! I’m really glad you enjoyed the post and its fantastic to meet you.

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