parenting

Positive Parenting and the Value of Discipline

Positive Parenting

I believe in positive parenting. When I wrote a post on the Joy of Compassionate Parenting at Parentous last month it seemed natural that the next thing I would focus on would be the value of discipline in positive parenting.

One of the building blocks of positive parenting is Kindness and since it is Random Acts of Kindness Week from February 11 to 17, I want to focus on that today.

Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others.

 

William J.H. Boetcker (1873-1962)
Religious Leader, Influential Public Speaker

When we show kindness towards others and when others are kind to us, an obvious outcome is happiness.  And so, when we show kindness to our children in our actions and motives, it makes for a joyous relationship. Children are ready to listen and be responsive when we ask them to do something, especially if our requests are logical and make sense to them. Being considerate never hurt anyone.

In my post at Parentous about positive parenting and the value of discipline, I touched upon why children welcome routine and discipline and the problems likely to crop up with discipline. I wrote about how to implement discipline, sharing some of the ways that have helped me, elaborating on the following:

  • Why we should emphasize on the value of cooperation
  • Why focus on what we want and not what we don’t want
  • Why one should never discipline in anger
  • How we can help children cooperate by asking them for ideas

Ultimately, behavior is a choice. We all have the power to choose good – or bad – behavior. Handholding children through the consequences of each choice and the response it was likely to evoke in others keeps their dignity intact instead of making them  feel bad.

Positive parenting, finally is all about being able to answer this question honestly”Can I take this if I were a child?”.

Here is my latest post at Parentous: Positive Parenting: The Value of Discipline

“In my last post, The Joy of Being a Compassionate Parent, I mentioned that “compassion is not about allowing children to do whatever they want. It is not about letting them get away with anything they do” – which gave me the idea for today’s post – the value of Discipline.

 

Just like you and me, children need discipline in their lives to be their best selves. The good news is they actually want it. Children love routine. Without it, they feel alone and unloved. While they expect parents to set the limits, they also think it is their birth right to rebel against them. That being said, it is the parent’s job to set limits related to safety, health, education, morality and inspire cooperation.

 

Continue reading

So you have probably read the following poem countless times, and so have I. But I feel fresh inspiration each time I read it:

Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

 Wouldn’t you say the same holds good for adults?

Love does make the world go around!

And here are some lovely quotes on positive parenting:

All children behave as well as they are treated
– Anonymous

Praise your children openly, reprehend them secretly
– W. Cecil

Always kiss your children goodnight – even if they’re already asleep.
— H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
— Charles R. Swindoll

Inspiration

What are your views on positive parenting and introducing discipline?

Please share.

(I am linking this post to the amazing Unknown Mami’s Sundays In My City meme. Please head over to her place for a free trip around the world!)

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33 Comments

  • Reply
    Debbie
    February 11, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Positive parenting is a great way to parent and you have listed the result to expect when parents do this.

    We are our children first teacher and what we teach them is going either make for a happy life or confused and sad life.

    As a child would say, “Help me not to form bad habits and i am counting on you to detect them for me at an early stage.”

    Love does make the world go around and positive parenting brings out that love. Whether it is in the form of hugs and kisses or discipline when we do it out of love only good shows it face.
    Thank you vidya for sharing this post.
    Debbie

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Thank you for your comment, Debbie. I love how children make us conscious of our actions – and encourage us to put our best foot forward! I am blessed with a very affectionate son!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Positive Parenting and the Value of DisciplineMy Profile

  • Reply
    Julie Barrett
    February 11, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Vidya, I hope you are on the mend. As to parenting, I don’t have much to add…the only thing that seems to work to resolve conflicts amongt the brothers is to give choices.
    Julie Barrett recently posted…What Scenes Will They Show You At Your Life Review?My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

      Dear Julie, thank you for asking. My wounds are taking their time…and now I also have a throat infection and painful cough. Better everything together rather than in series, eh? 🙂

      Yes, you have a point about the siblings resolving things among themselves – my Mom had 12 siblings and always described what fun it was squabbling!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Positive Parenting and the Value of DisciplineMy Profile

  • Reply
    wendy
    February 12, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Thanks for the valuable and thoughtful insights, Vidya.
    W.
    wendy recently posted…The Mouse WhispererMy Profile

  • Reply
    Rahul
    February 12, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Vidya, I agree with observations on positive parenting and those lovely quotes were icing on the cake!

  • Reply
    Kaarina Dillabough
    February 12, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    The Dorothy Law Nolte poem hung on the wall of my child’s bedrooms from birth to teenager. They both now have copies for themselves as young adults. Great post! Cheers! Kaarina
    Kaarina Dillabough recently posted…Business Lessons from a White Tiger – “The Way of the Tiger” by Lance SecretanMy Profile

  • Reply
    Glynis Jolly
    February 13, 2013 at 1:10 am

    My children are grown now. I made my share of mistakes as a parent, but from what I see now in them as adults, nothing I did wrong was too serious. I found that if you tell a child why they are being corrected and how the act of correction is going to help them, they are a lot more receptive to it. For instance, if a child has treated a friend wrong, I would make the corrective act to be that the child must apologize. I would explain that this is what the child would want for his/herself. Yelling never works. It just creates bad feelings between the parent and child.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:26 pm

      You are precisely right, Glynis! I too have realized that it is not important to be perfect – but do the right thing at the moment. I’ve gone through similar feelings, wondering whether what I did was okay – only to be reassured later that all was well. 🙂 I love that being a Mom is a lifelong education, often with children as our teachers 🙂

      Thank you – I appreciate your support!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Paradise FoundMy Profile

  • Reply
    Betsy/Zen Mama
    February 13, 2013 at 3:49 am

    I am all about positive parenting! It’s the reason I wrote How To Be A Zen Mama and started my blog. But I had to go the opposite way to realize that it wouldn’t work and get back to my core ideas and put them back into practice. Love your quotes and your poem, too!
    Great post Vidya!!
    Betsy/Zen Mama recently posted…6 Ways To Make People Feel Good On Valentine’s DayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sandra Pawula
    February 12, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Vidya,

    I love the whole concept of “positive” parenting. Parents need help, encouragement and support just like what you’ve provided here. I especially love the poem. Sorry to have been away from your blog for awhile. My back acted up and kept me away from the computer for a bit.
    Sandra Pawula recently posted…10 Life Lessons from Emma JeanMy Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:19 pm

      So sorry to hear about your back, Sandra – I know how painful that is. Please do take care of yourself! Love you and thanks for the nice comment! I admit I feel inspired when I read positive parenting posts elsewhere. Hugs to you. Hope you feel better soon!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…The Power Of Positive ThinkingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Terri Sonoda
    February 13, 2013 at 4:48 am

    Excellent article Vidya! I am always delighted to read about positive parenting. I believe it is the only way to raise a happy, balanced child….one who has the foundation to grow up and help make the world a better place in which to live.
    Terri Sonoda recently posted…Oh no you didn’t just give me that for Valentine’s Day!My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:37 pm

      Love you, Terri! I know you’re a wonderful Mom! Positive parenting is so worth it. I wouldn’t know any other way, as that’s all I knew from my own Mom! Hugs!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…The Joy Of Compassionate ParentingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Carole Remy
    February 13, 2013 at 1:42 am

    Hi Vidya,

    I hope you’re starting to mend. I think good parenting stems from mutual respect and example. My father’s favorite phrase was, “I know you’ll make a good decision.” His quiet confidence in my inner voice was something I tried to give to my children as well.

    With babies up to about two years, we need to guide. After two years, psychologists say that the personality is basically formed. Lay down a solid first two years (mostly by example), and kids will be off to a great start.

    For example, rather than telling a child to apologize, model it. Say you’re sorry to the child when you screw up (we all do!). They`ll want to be just like mommy and daddy, and will soon be apologizing randomly! From that sweet impulse, it’s easy to demonstrate appropriate occasions.

    Hugs and best wishes for your health,

    Carole
    Carole Remy recently posted…Twelve Nights! “We’re on Amazon, Boo!”My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 13, 2013 at 4:33 pm

      Wow, Carole! I grew up with my uncles and one of them always sat me down and said “Vidya, you can do it. I trust you” and I think what I am today, is largely thanks to his confidence.

      I agree with you about the leading by example in the first two years – I am always amused by how my son does certain things exactly the same way as he did, when he started learning them.

      We use something called the “rewind” when a situation seems like it might go the wrong way. 🙂 One of us smiles and says rewind! And we backtrack and start all over again. This is a game my son loves – and it is funny how, even as a teenager now (15 yrs) he is a serene guy!

      Thank you for your kind wishes, Carole!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…The Power Of Positive ThinkingMy Profile

      • Reply
        Carole Remy
        February 13, 2013 at 4:39 pm

        Your uncle sounds wonderful, Vidya. We all need someone like that in our lives.

        We had little rituals too. My daughter was a light eater, and when we went to a restaurant it would be two french fries and she was done, so I asked her to eat her meat first. Now at 33, she still has the impulse to eat the meat first!

        Hugs! Are you feeling better today?

        Carole
        Carole Remy recently posted…Twelve Nights! “We’re on Amazon, Boo!”My Profile

  • Reply
    Ariadne
    February 13, 2013 at 8:43 am

    We are talking about the same things this week as I wrote a whole post on Kindness as a building block for positive parenting in my ongoing series! Really enjoyed your words on this as well!
    Ariadne recently posted…What Should Your 3 Year Old Know? A Development List.My Profile

  • Reply
    Vidya Sury
    February 13, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Hi Ariadne – I went over to read your post – and it is just beautiful! It adds such fantastic value to my post – I linked the phrase, “building blocks of positive parenting is Kindness” to your post. This was my Mom’s most favorite phrases, you know.

    Thanks so much for your comment. I look forward to following your blog!
    Vidya Sury recently posted…The Joy Of Compassionate ParentingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Someone is Special
    February 15, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Back here after a long gap to read an excellent article.. I loved it Vidya Mam.. Also, want to tell you that I like this template a lot.. 🙂

    Someone is Special
    Someone is Special recently posted…To you…with ♥My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 16, 2013 at 12:57 pm

      Saravana, Welcome. And congratulations! 🙂 I’ve been enjoying your lovely photos on Facebook. I fondly remember last year’s February – and the month of haikus!

      Thank you for the kind words. Looking forward to seeing you again!

  • Reply
    Ken Wert@MeanttobeHappy
    February 16, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Wonderful article, as always, Vidya! Everything we do is a lesson, an example, a pattern we lay down for our kids to follow, whether we want them following that example or not.

    I think it is so sad that many parents treat their neighbors and even strangers better than their own children. But you can see it in their eyes and later, in their lives.

    Thank you so much for this reminder of a kinder way to raise our kids.
    Ken Wert recently posted…The Meaning of Love (quotes on love from name-brand bloggers)My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 20, 2013 at 11:12 am

      Oh Ken, I know what you mean. I had an uncle who was like that. Always kind to the neighbors, always yelling at and terrorizing everyone at home. The good thing was, he mellowed a great deal as he grew older. He actually became nice.

      One of Vidur’s classmate’s Mothers is a fabulous person. She always praises her children in a very subtle way and the love they share – it is obvious. Point is, she never complains about them.

      My Mother, she was always loving, no matter what. 😀 so you can see I have some very easy footsteps to follow.

      Hugs and thank you – always appreciate your comment and presence!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…The Gift Of FriendshipMy Profile

  • Reply
    Unknown Mami
    February 16, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    We’ve been having some issues with Put Pie and I remind her that she can choose to be happy and remarkably it works most of the time.
    Unknown Mami recently posted…Possibility (Fragmented Fridays)My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 20, 2013 at 11:13 am

      Ah, the choice to be happy! The word “choice” works wonders in my house, too! 😀 What a nice habit! Hugs. You’re a great Mom, I know!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…I am Enough – An AffirmationMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jodi @ Heal Now
    February 18, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    I like the always kiss your children goodnight even if they are already asleep! So dear. I don’t htink I do that enough, but it starts today. And I want to make more time to greet them with a smile in the AM. And a hug! Thanks for this inspiration.
    Jodi recently posted…Writing To Heal-Words To Heal ByMy Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      February 20, 2013 at 11:14 am

      Jodi, there’s a special joy in kissing a sleeping child. Oh, they look so different, so innocent. 😀 Hugs! Your kids are gorgeous!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Let’s Be FriendsMy Profile

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