parenting positive thinking

Encouragement or Praise – Which is Better?

Thanks Fotolia.com

“Encouragement or Praise – which is better?” is the title of my latest post on Parentous.

I was scheduled to publish a post on Parentous yesterday.  Since I had to send the post two days before the publish date, I was sorting through ideas in my mind on May 26 when the phone rang. It was Vidur’s classmate calling to tell him that their 10th grade exam results were out! We stumbled over each other, rushing to the computer to log in to see how Vidur had fared. Now, Grade 10 is a major milestone.  While we really had no doubt as far as performance was concerned, Vidur was a bit anxious because he was sick during the exams. We were excited to see that he had scored Grade A1 in all the subjects and a CGPA of 10 out of 10. Great going, indeed!

Encouragement or Praise

“Death By Chocolate”

Of course, I burst into tears and Vidur hugged me, telling me that it was our encouragement that always helped him. What a beautiful thing to say! I also realized in my mind, that I was quick to encourage – and slightly slower when it came to praise.

And that is how the topic for my parenting post came about.

As it happened, even as we reveled in the good news, the doorbell rang. Guests. So – naturally it had to be party time. Sury quickly went and got sweets and we – all 12 of us – comprising of three generations – settled down to a healthy debate about which was better….

Encouragement or Praise?

By definition, praise is an “expression of approval, commendation, or admiration.” while encouragement is to “inspire with hope, courage, or confidence”.

[box] When you want children to develop a healthy self esteem , celebrate and acknowledge their efforts, but do not praise them . Dr Louise Porter. [/box]

When it is a question of encouragement or praise – encouragement is the answer, most of the time. My logic for this is: encouragement is about the journey and praise is about the destination. Continuous encouragement (through the process) enables a child achieve the desired outcome – which then deserves praise, depending on what it is. Point is, whether we praise or not, encouragement is a non-negotiable – a must-do!.

I believe in positive parenting and one of the things I’ve realized is: parenting is a life-long learning process. Sometimes a tough situation has the solution hidden in it, if only we’d see the big picture. Sometimes it is so easy to miss the forest as we focus on the trees! I consider myself very blessed to enjoy a wonderful relationship with my son.

[box] Children need encouragement like plants need water[/box]

Encouragement, not praise helps a child builds self-esteem. And self-esteem grows only when a child receives honest feedback that lets her see her capabilities in their true light, enabling her set realistic goals; not when we hear the words “great job!” Only encouragement allows the child to see this point of view.  Some ways to do this are:

  •  Be specific rather than general while giving feedback. Highlight the plus points.
  • Focus on the process, not the outcome.
  • Be honest. Children know when you are paying lip service.
  • Don’t compare with others
  • If offering critique, do it in private
  • Acknowledge both successes AND failures – both are equally important

[box] A word of encouragement during failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success[/box]

Please do read my post “Encouragement or Praise – Which is better” at Parentous. I’d love to know what you think! I’ve listed what I’ve learned in relation to  encouragement or praise. I have also talked about the different ways in which we encourage Vidur. Thanks!

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29 Comments

  • Reply
    Carole Remy
    May 31, 2013 at 3:33 am

    Hi Vidya,

    This post is important for teachers as well as for parents. The most dramatic example for me was as a journalism teacher. I learned that the best results came from highlighting the best sentence(s) in a student’s writing, and saying “Give me more like this.” No critique at all. For the first two weeks, the grammar critic went to sleep, and the end result was award-winning articles from nearly every student.

    We succeed by knowing what success looks like. That’s what encouragement gives.

    Thank you for a wonderful post, as always!

    Carole
    Carole Remy recently posted…Developing Your Voice: Novel Writers Workshop #TBSUMy Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      I just love what you said about highlighting the good parts, Carole! What a wonderful thing to do! I am sure that student remembers you with a full heart. The effects will be lifelong. It is nice to sometimes let the critic take a holiday and let the good times roll 🙂 There are many times when my son does something and my first reaction is annoyance – but I’ve learned long ago to control it and find the good intention behind the action.

      Thank you for your wonderful input. Great advice!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sebastian Aiden Daniels
    May 31, 2013 at 3:43 am

    I would have to say that encouragement would be better. I didn’t really receive a lot of encouragement as a kid nor praise. I feel that encouragement like you said during failure is essential to a child getting through problems and facing them and overcoming them which in turn helps develop a healthy self-esteem. Whereas praise for only accomplishing makes a person develop a self that hinges on achieving things, so when the person fails they are destroyed. Failure is inevitable.

    Encouragement is the way to go.

    Great post Vidya and Keep up the good work. I believe in you. (Encouragement and PraisE)

    : D

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 9:56 pm

      Thank you, Sebastian! Encouragement definitely boosts self-esteem – I remember as a child, i received encouragement, but the praise was scarce. I recall feeling bad about it. 🙂 Over the years, I realized I benefited in many ways from being told “you can” 🙂

      Hugs and thanks. Always appreciate your support!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    ushamenon
    May 31, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Thank you Vidya for the wonderful post. First of all accept my conrats for the brilliant result of Vidur.
    I fuuly agree that encouragement is any time better than praise. Encouragement builds the confidence of the child
    ushamenon recently posted…A wish unfulfilled.:My Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 9:59 pm

      Thank you, Usha. The school just put up the list for Class 11 today and he has been accepted. Didn’t doubt it, but still – until it is in black and white, we tend to worry!

      🙂 Glad you dropped by!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    OurJaipur.Com
    May 31, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Nice. . .

    Have a nice day!

    OurJaipur.Com recently posted…Hawa Mahal (Wind Palace)My Profile

  • Reply
    Koyel
    May 31, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    such a thought provoking post. i also personally feel that it is better to encourage our children than simply praise their efforts. when we encourage, we prepare them to handle unknwn situations too. we make them see the unforeseen as something exciting to happen, not just be afraid of.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 10:08 pm

      You are right, Koyel. When confidence builds, we feel ready to tackle most situations. Beautifully said by you! Thank you – so nice to see you here!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kaarina Dillabough
    May 31, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Praise needs to be used like spices: sprinkled. Encouragement is the main ingredient. Cheers! Kaarina
    Kaarina Dillabough recently posted…Broken piecesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Glynis Jolly
    May 31, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Although encouraging someone who is in the process of reaching a goal is always a good idea, I think people need praise as well once they have reached a goal. There are so many people who have done such marvelous things who really are not sure if they’ve achieved what they’ve gone after all because no one has told them what an excellent job they have done. Most people have troubles with self-confidence. By giving a little praise, they understand how worthwhile their contribution is.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 10:13 pm

      Well said, Glynis! While I feel that encouragement must be abundant, praise definitely matters from time to time. Imagine not congratulating someone on a job well done!:-) It is just that encouragement is an ongoing process – the benefits are longer lasting. Praise is like the icing and cherry on the cake!

      Always love your valuable input! Thank you! Love, Vidya
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    Julia
    June 1, 2013 at 5:37 am

    Encouragement is indeed better than praises. My son is 10 years old. I always praise him when he does well. On the other hand, when something goes wrong, I’m guilty of criticizing instead of encouraging. Many thanks for sharing.

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      Hi Julia! 🙂 I think we’re all guilty of criticizing when something goes wrong. It is natural and human. I am learning not to voice criticism spontaneously – it is better to try and find it in ourselves to encourage – nobody wants to be squashed when they’re already feeling down! 🙂 I had a good example in my Mom, who was determined to find the good part in everything!

      Thanks for your comment, Julia!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    Deepa
    June 1, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Congratulations to Vidur! From what little I know of him and you, definitely well deserved 🙂 I don’t have kids yet but reading such posts on positive parenting and how today’s generations are making an effort to stay away from the rod and instead treat their children as adults, give them credit for their own intelligence, willing to let them experience, fail, learn and step up makes me so hopeful for the children of tomorrow. PS: The check box made me smile 🙂
    Deepa recently posted…10 Reasons Why I Didn’t PostMy Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 10:33 pm

      🙂 Thanks, Deepa! He was worried as he was sick during the exams…although we did not worry. I am glad in our house even raised voices is very rare (unless we’re singing in a high pitch ;-). I would never dream of even thinking of the rod! I find that being gentle but firm works like magic. Children are logical people and will listen..it is just that as parents, we feel under pressure and are too impatient. Most of all, children are understanding. Cushioning them all the time is not the best idea – 😀 according to Vidur, it is nice to make mistakes once in a while – because the lessons learned are never forgotten!

      Thank you for coming by – 😀 yep – i felt bad about asking readers to prove they are not spammers. 😀

      Hugs!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    privytrifles
    June 1, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I completely agree with you here Vidya. Yet to become a parent but as a child have been there, done that and yesss encouragement is equally important and comparison is something we should refrain from.
    privytrifles recently posted…Of Stories & TellersMy Profile

    • Reply
      Vidya Sury
      June 3, 2013 at 10:35 pm

      Great point, Privy! 🙂 I think, in many ways, my own experiences define me as a parent. And boy, was I lucky to be my Mom’s daughter! 😀 Compassion is the key! Thank you!
      Vidya Sury recently posted…Women Of StrengthMy Profile

  • Reply
    Suzy
    June 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Great post Vidya and Congrats to Vidur. I think both encouragement and praise are required. I also like Carole Remy’s idea of “give me more like this”.
    Suzy recently posted…This Moment – 6WS – SIMC – First SnowMy Profile

  • Reply
    Fran Sorin
    June 1, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    ViVidya-A post close to my heart. I have always felt that praise is overrated in our society- at least when my kids were growing up. I observed how parents constantly praised their children regardless of the outcome. This kind of reflexive behavior leaves a child with no sense of reality.

    Encouragement on the other hand is a way of letting someone know that you believe in her…..regardless of what the situation is. If a child gets a ‘C’ in a course and you know they can do better, letting them know that you know they can improve that grade and setting up strategies to guide them is just good parenting. It gives your child a real goal to shoot for.

    I hope your celebration for Vidur and your family was a beautiful one ~ a big hug- Fran
    Fran Sorin recently posted…Why It’s Important To CelebrateMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kajal Kapur
    June 4, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Its a very nice post, Vidya I agree with what Kaarina said about encouragement being the main ingredient and praise to be sprinkled. Great message!
    Kajal Kapur recently posted…Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani : Movie ReviewMy Profile

  • Reply
    Meena Menon
    June 5, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Congragulations for tht glowing score 🙂
    Meena Menon recently posted…Book Review: And The Mountains EchoedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Diana Pinto
    June 8, 2013 at 12:24 am

    Thanks for sharing these great tips on parenting Vidya…..Encouragement Vs Praise…I would choose encouragement.

  • Reply
    Roshni
    June 8, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Congratulations to you all, Vidya! What a marvelous achievement!
    Roshni recently posted…Top Tweets #5My Profile

  • Reply
    Santanu
    June 8, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    I think its always better to encourage than praise. But off-course after some achievement praise is also required to appreciate the work
    Santanu recently posted…How will Real Estate Regulatory Bill impact on common manMy Profile

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