Relationship Secrets

They could be 20 or 80 years old.

They could be of any color, size, shape or status.

It is irrelevant how long they have been together.

It is easy to recognize a happy and healthy relationship

Life is not perfect. (Oh, I know you know that!) But in spite of this, there are couples, friends and families who manage to stay committed to each other and love each other.

So what is the secret?  Here is what I’ve found – some researched, and some I have had the privilege of learning, sometimes the hard way. You don’t have to be lucky to enjoy your relationship. No – luck has nothing to do with it. It takes a lot of persistence, hard work and commitment. And here are the lessons I’ve learned:

Long term relationships must be seen with realism tinted spectacles. All relationships go through peaks, plateaus and troughs. There will be roses and lots of them. But there will also be thorns. Recognizing this will help appreciate those rose petals.

Relationships take a lot of work. There are times when just one of you seems to be making all the effort. If there are misunderstandings or problems, thrash them out. Don’t go assuming that things will sort themselves out. Hey, it ain’t magic. Just like anything you want to succeed with, relationships need to be worked on, nurtured and cared for, regularly.  You know what they say: no pain, no gain.

Nothing can equal spending quality time together. It is okay to spend time sharing an activity. Sitting quietly watching TV doesn’t really count, unless it is one of those totally gripping thrillers. Now, for me, I’ve reached that point in my relationship with my husband when we can both sit in the same room, working at our respective projects, with the TV on – and laughing and just looking at each other when we hear something – and we both know how we’ll react. But it takes time to get here.

As wonderful as it is to spend time with the ones you love, it is also important to get some space.  It is healthy to have your own individual interests and things to do so that you return to the relationship refreshed. Lots more to talk about. You miss the people you are usually with and always cherish the value they bring to your life.

Enjoy your differences. Just think about what drew you to the person in the first place. Okay, so we cannot choose our families, but when it comes to friendships and partners, the things that you loved initially are the things that make you maddest later. But hang on, stop to think about the things you loved. If there are differences, see the brighter side and appreciate it.

Many people praise someone for the way they are, and then, when they get closer, expect them to change.  Come on, it is okay to make the extra effort if the relationship is worth it. Stop complaining about trivial stuff. It is natural to get bugged once in a while, but don’t make it a habit. Of course, with partners this can be a wee bit tough. But cutting each other some slack seriously helps. I’d get mad about many things before, but once Sury and I planned division of labor about various things around the house we suddenly had very little to complain about. Happiness walked in.

Some problems are best left alone. So there are issues you disagree about. But instead of wasting energy arguing, why not agree to disagree and compromise? Your relationship can get healthier when you tackle these things amicably.

The number one cause for relationships disintegrating is the lack of communication. Listen to each other. Empathize, even if you don’t agree. Don’t get defensive. Share thoughts and feelings.

Good old trust and honesty form the foundation for any relationship. Better to lay it all on the table than live with doubts.

And that holds good for any relationship. Don’t take anyone for granted. Say your I love yous whenever you feel the urge to. I do that all the time. Who knows what might happen tomorrow!