Hindu Bride

The Young Brahmin asked, “Is it true, that your daughter has all the good
qualities and pleasing looks?” The old brahmin answered, “Haan ! More
than that, she is Sundara Vati and Padma Vati !”
“Can she cook and keep house?” Asked the young man.
“Oh yes, she is Dharma Vati !” answered the old man.
“Can she sew?” asked the young man. “Oh yes . . . . yes, she can not only sew, but she is Kala Vati !”answered the old man.”
” What about her education?” asked the young man. “She is Vidya Vati !” answered the old man.
“And the Vedas ? ” asked the young man. “Oh yes . . . . yes, she is Veda Vati !” answered the old man.
The young man is very happy to find the perfect bride and gets married to her.
Two days later, he comes back with his newly married bride intown.
The old Brahmin is surprised. He asks, “What happened, my son? ”
Why do you look so upset ? The young man says, “Well sir, you told me
that your daughter is already a Sundara Vati, Padma Vati, Dharma Vati,
Kala Vati, Vidya Vati, and a Veda Vati ?”
” Yes, my son – I certainly did “replies the old man.”
But Sir – you forgot to tell me that, she is also ‘ Garbha Vati ‘
~~~~~~~

Hung Chow who works in Port Moody BC calls in to
work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my
legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and
tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better
and I go work. You try that.” Two hours later Hung Chow
calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house.”..

~~~~~~~

Photographer
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to
use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man
should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning
madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to…” “Oh, no need to explain.
I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in. “Really?” the photographer
asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.” “That’s what my
husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do
we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. “Leave everything to me. I usually
try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure
you’ll be pleased with the results.” “I hope we can get this over with quickly,”
gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in
downtown London.” “Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith
the picture. “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally
had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.” “Four and five deep?”
asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes”, the photographer said.
“And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began
to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually
chewed on your, eh…equipment?” “That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready,
I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.” “Tripod??” Mrs. Smith looked
extremely worried now. “Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action.”
……Mrs. Smith fainted!! ~~~~~~

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ? The nun
teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your
body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when
you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your
hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said. Little Johnny raised
his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The nun looked at him
with the strangest look on her face. “Now, LittleJohnny, why do you
think it would be your legs?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked
into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy
her legs were straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.

~~~~~~

Nude beach A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach
when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered
her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made
a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that
the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the
husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating
her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try,
but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “If neither
of you objects,” the doctor said, “I could give it a try.” Under the circumstances,
both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and
mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s
thrust continued for several long minutes. “Hey, What the hell is happening?”
“Change of plans,” The physician panted. “
I’m going to drown the little bastard!.”

~~~~~~

Shove It Up.. Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, “It’s the pharmacist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be danged if
I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break
a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally
got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time
the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is
still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing
and it won’t let up, I finally got back to answer it.” The pharmacist continues,
“It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!!!”

~~~~~

Gynecologist visit This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling
real horny, nudges his wif e awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?”
She replies, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you
know I don’t like to make love the night before.” So the husband agrees
and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later,
he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s
appointment tomorrow, do you?”
~~~~~~~~

Tomorrow’s final A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about
tomorrow’s final exam. She said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s
death. One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”,
and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided,
the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”
~~~~~

Two Nuns There were two nuns… One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirt y-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.