A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he
pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, “Well that’s great, just great! Some asshole’s got my pen!”
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to
ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That
is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that. ” The woman, “OK, I’m a
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute,
then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks,
“What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past
couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them
notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that
The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a
The man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry.
Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than
So the man humbly returns to his friend. “So what did she
say?” asks the friend.
The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on
macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”