A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he

pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’

with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and

said, “Well that’s great, just great! Some asshole’s got my pen!”

————————

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs

to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to

ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number,

etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That

is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that. ” The woman, “OK, I’m a

prostitute.”.

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute,

then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks,

“What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a

prostitute?”.

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

——————–

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past

couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them

notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that

girl.”

The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a

chicken shit.”

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me.

Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry.

Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than

dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend. “So what did she

say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on

macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”

——————-