Coming from my then 8 year old son, my first instinctive reaction was to smile, but I stopped myself just in time and looked curious. After all, it was a moment of revelation for him and who was I to rain on his parade?
He: โDid you know it is not enough to be good, Mummy?โ
Me: โReally? Why do you say that?โ
He: โBut did you know?โ
Me: โNo!โ
He: *smiling with that sense of I am-about-to-tell-you-a-life-truth look* โYes. It is true. We have to be good. But we also have to be smart and clever. Only then we can surviveโ
Me: *Thinking, Survive? Now where did he hear that?* โWho told you this?โ
He: *pulling himself up to his full four feet. Yes, my boy was tall* โMy teacherโ
Me: *Thinking, ha, then it is official!* โShe is absolutely right, you know.โ
He: *Pondering* โMummy, what is survive?โ
Me: *Smiling and feeling rather clever* โSurvive isโฆ.look in the dictionary first. Then ask meโ
He: โI saw!โ
Me: โAnd what does it say?โ
He: โ It says *reading out, struggling with the big words* โcontinue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship.โ
Me: โDo you know what that means?โ
He: โYes!โ
Me: *stunned* โWhat?!โ
He: โMummy, For example Grandma. She is good, smart and clever. Her life was tough, but she is strong and kind and lovingโ
Me: *Floored* โYou are right. How did you know this?โ
He: โYou told me so many times.โ
Me: *trying hard not to laugh* โIt is true. You have to be a very strong person to face everything in life. And keep smilingโ
He: โI will!โ
Me: โHow will you do it? Can you give me an example?โ
He: *his little face is earnest* โIf I ask you for noodles and you say no, I will smile and say okay. Then after you hug me and say โgood boyโ Iโll ask you if you can make it tomorrowโ
Me: โHmm. You are a survivor! And you are also smart and clever. But donโt ever forget to be good, okay?โ
He: โOkay. I will also be kind and loving, alwaysโ
Me: โI love youโ
Hugging ensues.
He: โWhat to do if people are mean?โ
Me: *struggling to find the words to appeal to an 8 year old* โYou know, there are different types of people. Good and not so good. The people are never bad. It is only their behavior which is bad. If you are naughty, we scold you for your behavior, but still love you. So, remember, if someone is mean, there is a reason for it. Do not be mean in returnโ
He: *trying to process this* โBut Mummy there is a boy in my class who sometimes beats me for no reason. What should I do?โ
Me: *thinking, oh, toughie!* โDonโt ever hit him back. If you do not respond, he will stop. If it hurts, let your teacher knowโ
He: *hopefully* โWill she punish him?โ
Me: โShe will tell him not to hit you or anyone else.โ
He: โThen will he stop?โ
Me: โI think soโ
He: โWhy do some people do bad things?โ
Me: โMaybe they are angry with something. Maybe they donโt have a loving family. Maybe they donโt have basic things you and I haveโ
He: โSo sad. I will always try to be kind and good, Mummyโ
Me: *Feeling blessed and relieved that this conversation let me off so easily*
Not.
He: โSometimes I canโt be cleverโ
Me: โWhy?โ
He: โI feel scared.โ
Me: *Hugging him* โTell me, what happenedโ
He: โYesterday my Teacher scolded me for not writing in my Class Work book. But I had written! When I tried to tell her, she shouted at me and I felt scaredโ
Me: โYou shouldnโt be scared to tell the truthโ
He: โBut if I tell the truth, sheโll punish me for talking backโ
Me: *A complete what-the-what moment* โYou should still tell her the truth. Silence is not always golden!โ
He: โIโll try next time.โ
Me: โGood! Make fear your friend!โ
He: โDo you ever feel scared?โ
Me: โOf course! But I try to remember that most of the time we feel scared because we expect something bad to happen, or when we feel hopeless. And worst of all, because we donโt know what to expect.โ
He: โWhat do you do then?โ
Me: โMy Grandma taught me to think positive, but also be realistic. See, you have to make fear your friend by being brave. It is okay if things donโt go the way you want. But you must always do your best and be sincere and honest, okay?โ
He: โHmm. Okay. So I must be good, clever and braveโ
Me: *Pretty sure this is not the end of our conversation because I can see his mind busy working*ย โYes. It is important think about what makes you feel good. Then be brave enough to do it smartly!โ
He: โIt is not easyโ
Me: *hugging him* โNobody said it was easy. But it is going to be worth it!โ
Yeah, out of the mouths of babes. โit is not easyโ and thatโs the truth. I know I am not perfect. But I try my best to be a good Mom.
11 comments
Amazing post! How thoughtful! I still remember few instances and words my parents have told me! It gives a great impact!
Shalini recently posted…Look whoโs One!!
So lovely post…good advices ๐
Mridubala recently posted…Forbidden slumber
Right, it is never easy ๐ But it is always great fun to read your wonderful posts, Vidya. And you always manage to give me something to ponder upon! Very interesting, this one. The part about teacher’s voice being ‘official’ was creatively done ๐
Beloo Mehra recently posted…Hello, It’s a Miracle!
Linking you to the post I had written for Corinne ๐
I totally agree.. being good is no longer enough. In fact it can be counter productive
Roshan R recently posted…The 10 peppiest TV theme songs of the last 25 years
Very true Vidya….we got these lessons from our parents and we give similar ones to our children, with some slight changes to match up today’s world…isn’t it?
Thoughtful post!
Sheela recently posted…Ending the tug of warโฆ
Oooh they sure can talk, right? And such gyan.. he just is more your son than you know it Vidya.
obsessivemom recently posted…Observations from the book club
You are a wonderful parent. You answer his questions in a way he understands and you also helped him to not let fear dictate his actions. Fear drives people to do something they normally would not do. Many will agree with someone just so they do not get that person’s wrath. They “follow orders” and they don’t get involved. This happens in a grand way (WW2 Germany) and often in small ways-school, work-the basics are the same. We must always stand up for what we truly did and what we believe in. My husband and I have been talking a lot about parenting (we are not parents but we see around us). Parents often give too much to their children out of fear of what happened to them when they were young and that they do not want their child to deal with hardships. Unfortunately, it often backfires…why? No discipline. Now that doesn’t mean a child gets the whip but discipline is necessary and it teaches love. I remember being with my friend when I was 12 yrs old. My friend said her parents didn’t love her. I could not understand as she got all she wanted. She told me I was loved and I asked her how she knew. She told me “Because you are disciplined.” This came from a 12 yr old girl. I, also 12, had no idea what she was talking about. If a child has no structure, how are they to know love. Your child already has learned survival skills since he dealt with bullying. He knows love and acceptance. So many are not taught this.
Birgit recently posted…Robin Williams
He is your son Vidya more than you know I think…such thoughts at such young age…You son after all ๐
nabanita recently posted…Iโm Misjudged Becauseโฆ
This is a great reminder Vidya, “to remember that most of the time we feel scared because we expect something bad to happen.”
Those kind of beliefs and expectations formed from them, can really limit us in so many ways.
Out of the mouth’s of babes… love this post ๐
Delightful post! I can see how parenting can be a real challenge at times, though so rewarding. Thank you for sharing this sweet conversation. ๐
Laurel Regan recently posted…Photo A Day Challenge – August 17-31, 2014
Wow! That’s some thoughtful and thought provoking conversation! Like mother… like son ๐
Shilpa Garg recently posted…Small Joys