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I am Not That Kind Of Mom!

by Vidya Sury February 16, 2015 11 comments
not that kind of mom

Surprised at that outburst? You should be. And with good reason. Because I am really not the kind of person who’d make declarations like that. So fine, maybe I’ll think it in my mind a zillion times (and counting) but I wouldn’t actually shout it out.

Here’s what brought it on. All in a very nice way. Yes, I have a story for you.

I was all set to write a post about my experience with a Kindness Challenge – but an early morning phone call with Vidur’s classmate’s Mom triggered this outpouring.

You see, I am feeling the tinge of sadness already about school coming to a close for my son. 12 years of it. It seems like only yesterday that we were anxiously waiting for the admission list to be put up for Grade 1. Yet, the years seem to have flown by. 12 glorious years.

During this time, I’ve naturally become friends with many parents and Vidur’s classmates. I’ve enjoyed being that Mom who can be totally relied on to deliver whatever it took – ferry children, ferry teachers, be the “purse” in an emergency, the spare pencil box and other stationery, the mobile phone, the first aid box, the safety pin, the comb, the costumer for skits, the ideator, the sounding board, the substitute-Mommy – you name it, I’ve been it. And loved it. They’ve bestowed me with the “cool” title!

I am honored to be appreciated both by the school and other parents, many times over. And as the years went by, I’ve seen other parents and thought, I am not that kind of Mom!

I am not that kind of Mom who…

  • carries her child’s school bag
  • does her child’s homework
  • comes to school in her night clothes
  • screams and yells at her child
  • complains to the teacher about her child in front of the child
  • complains to the teacher about her child in the child’s absence
  • complains to her spouse about her child
  • complains to other parents about her child when they rant about theirs
  • carries tales about other children to their parents.
  • shares her child’s shortcomings with other parents
  • rants about her own woes to other parents
  • has crazy expectations from her child
  • scolds her child in front of others
  • gets angry at a poor report card (never had one of those, but hey)
  • minimizes her child’s fear and says, Oh, come on you’re dreaming
  • refuses to listen to her child’s side of the story
  • doesn’t take her child’s ideas seriously
  • is afraid to be honest
  • pressurizes her child to perform
  • fights or argues with her spouse in front of her child
  • compares her child to others
  • hesitates to show affection

So that’s not even the tip of the iceberg, but you know what I  mean.

I’d like to include “rants about her woes to her child” …thing is, as Vidur grew up, I am a wee bit guilty of that, but I’ve been rewarded with great advice. He’s so serene and easy to talk to – and when he puts his arm around me and says, “Mi, what happened?”, it is like he turned on a switch – sigh. You know what they say, out of the mouths of babes.

I feel blessed to realize that I have friends who are not that kind of Mom either! There’s one particular parent who always praises her kids and highlights all the good things they do, saying “If we don’t encourage them, who will?” I am totally in agreement.

Parenting can be tough. Make that IS tough. But I’ve realized that when we’re open minded enough to learn along the way, the journey is a pleasant one. Nobody is perfect, and nobody has to be. I’ve been stupid on many occasions, but at the time, I only did what I thought was best. When I realized in retrospect that maybe I should have acted differently, I didn’t beat myself over it. I simply embraced the learning. Which is probably why I am a happy Mom.

No, I am not that kind of Mom who lives in regret.

not that kind of mom

I am the kind of Mom who’s proud and supportive of her child and watches him grow, in wonder. Love and logic, that’s my key!

​At this stage, with exams just around the corner, I see a lot of Moms in a tizzy over their children’s performance, and with good reason. I am anxious too, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to show it. Instead, I am practicing staying​ ​calm. This is the time to motivate and encourage these 12th graders that yes, they are capable and can ace their exams. Not remind them of that time when… (fill in the blank with a negative).

This is the time to believe in them and make them believe in themselves.

This is also the time to make sure they are well nourished, in body and soul and take time off to regroup their energies.

No, I am not that kind of Mom who’ll stress herself out over her child. Oh, I’ve had my worries in the early years…but I learned to let go with time.

What is funny is – children manage very well; it is the parents who’re the problem most of the time, eh?

What do you think?

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Shailaja February 17, 2015 at 6:48 am

Very laudable, Vidya. Your list is truly commendable!

I must confess to have done more than five of the above list, but I learnt that guilt is the biggest culprit. For me, sharing my pain with other moms, in an empathetic manner, has been very healing. It makes me realise that I am not alone in my parenting challenges. Blessed are you that Vidur is the kind who makes you feel so special. Just like Gy 🙂
Shailaja recently posted…Break, break, Break

Vidya Sury February 17, 2015 at 12:45 pm

I understand, Shailaja. I cleverly left out the things I goofed up on. 🙂 I think awareness is the main thing. After all, children bring up their parents too!
Vidya Sury recently posted…Welcome to the A to Z Challenge Theme Reveal Blogfest 2015

Sid February 17, 2015 at 8:08 am

No, what you are is a super cool mom
Sid recently posted…The League of ‘Ordinary’ Toddlers

Vidya Sury February 17, 2015 at 9:41 am

And you are a super-cool dad, Sid. I admire you for being a WAHD 😀
Vidya Sury recently posted…50 Shades Of Love

Inderpreet Kaur Uppal February 18, 2015 at 8:21 am

Such a well timed post, I checked my mail and there it was. I had to read it and first thing in the morning I learnt to appreciate my child more. Yes, unconditional love is not the only thing that nurtures our child. I learn so much from your kind and gentle words that always inspire me to be a better person and a better mom.
With UKg exams round the corner and class I looming ahead, I have been quite jittery.
I know he is really small but moving to a new city along with a big new school has made me a bit on the edge, this really helped.
Sometimes help comes to us when we don’t know that we need it. Sorry for the long comment.
Thanks a ton, Vidya.
Inderpreet Kaur Uppal recently posted…The Maisy Files Giveaway!

Vidya Sury February 18, 2015 at 9:33 am

Dear Inderpreet, Thank you for your lovely words. You know, we all go through the fear and it doesn’t matter how old our children are. At each stage, everything we feel is justified. We’re humans, we’re parents and I think we earned the right to freak out. I did. The good part was sharing it, venting it out, ranting and then laughing it off, because children have a great way of proving your fears are baseless. I was also lucky to have my Mom living with me and she helped us stay balanced. For example, she impressed upon us that when Vidur was very young (kinder garten) it was more important for him to be healthy, active and happy…school performance came next. Solid advice that was.

So, my dear friend, do not stress. Five years down the line it will not matter. 🙂 Children who are friendly are remembered more than those that got full marks. Hugs. I’ll bet you are a wonderful Mom. ♥
Vidya Sury recently posted…Welcome to the A to Z Challenge Theme Reveal Blogfest 2015

Madhavi February 18, 2015 at 2:10 pm

Vow!!nice heart warming post
Parenting is a learning and we all tend to do mistakes and learn in the process.
Best part of the post is “children manage very well; it is the parents who’re the problem most of the time, eh?” Sooo true!!
Madhavi recently posted…I learnt too!!

Nicole February 19, 2015 at 4:01 am

You sound like you’ve got it all under control! Your kids are very lucky indeed 🙂

Vidya Sury February 19, 2015 at 1:08 pm

😀 Nicole, I try, I try! Being open-minded, I’ve found, makes things so much easier. Thank you so much for coming by!

Vinitha February 21, 2015 at 1:31 pm

You truly are a cool mom, Vidya. And Vidur is really lucky to have you as his mother. When I talk to my friends, they all are worried about children’s education and stuff, all the time. Tons of homework and kids are having no fun. Parents are not worried about that but. I believe in enjoying first, especially for kids. If learning isn’t made fun at this young age, how do they get motivated? We need more of you who will actually bring coolness to the school grounds. 🙂 always a pleasure to read your posts, Vidya. Hugs. <3 🙂
Vinitha recently posted…Gratitude list – Day 3

Birgit February 25, 2015 at 11:54 pm

Oh my I must catch up! Parents are to teach their children love, respect, understanding, tolerance, independence, culture, creativity in anything, a want to learn and so much more. I see so much lacking in that today. More parents teach their children to be dependent and to feel entitled. It begins in the home. School obviously will also teach but the parents are the key. Recently, somewhere in North America,It is about sports so I tend to tune out:)parents have been banned from a school because of the parents’ belligerent ways. I see more and more young adults in their 20’s and 30’s still living at home and not contributing at all. You should be proud of how well you have taught your child all the things I mentioned plus so much more. he will and has turned out so well that he can hold his head up high. Now my parents, belonging to the old school, had no problem arguing in front of us but I never took it in a bad way because it was just them. I also saw them make up by making a favourite meal or making a coffee and holding each other’s hands. Neither said I should do better but they said you did the best you could and that is what matters and they always stated how proud they were of me even when I got a D. I have cousins where image was all and grades were all and control was the main event. None have become the big PHD people their parents wanted them to become. In fact, one became so ill that he will never be the same again and can not even maintain a job. It is the toughest job that nobody gets paid to do but it can also be the most rewarding. You should be rewarded and I think you are every time he smiles at you:)
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