I am Strong. But.

Life is such a great teacher, ably supported by “experience”. Depending on how we look at it, growing up can be painful, or…educative. My childhood, according to some people was less than perfect. I did not think so. From other people’s viewpoint, here was a child whose father abandoned her Mother after marrying her when she was 13 years old and left her when she was pregnant at 17, a child whose Mother tolerated a ridiculous amount of domestic abuse at her in-laws’ house before finally being thrown out of the house and somehow managed to return to her Mother’s place in another city.

I considered myself lucky to suddenly have three doting uncles, an aunt and my Grandmother and love. Lucky to see my Mother recover and become a person again and bloom.

I had the privilege of growing up with my Grandmother, a strong yet compassionate woman who taught me some great values. These were:

• I am strong
• Never hesitate to speak up
• Be bold
• If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing

I was my teachers’ pet in school. My friends loved me…they still do! My family thinks a great deal of me. Throughout my career, I was shown as an example for all the good things. In fact, people cheer me on for my favorite quote “Nothing is Impossible”

And yet. I have my secret demons to deal with. Don’t we all?

You see…maybe I am strong, confident and positive…but there are certain things for which I’ve never had the courage.

Like when my Mom’s health was failing, I was afraid and frustrated that the doctors appeared to be taking us for a ride with the endless visits that cost us an arm and a leg. I did not have the courage question the doctor, because I was afraid it would make the treatment even worse. And then the day finally came when I did and simply switched doctors.

Like when my son was born and I was considered a text book case by my gynecologist. So imagine our shock when my son and I both went into severe trauma and they had to do an emergency Cesarean. I was afraid we were going to die…and even though things worked out fine, I had that grain of fear in me all the time.

Like the day we rushed my Mom to hospital and I did not have the courage to even hope – and hated myself for all the things I imagined I should have done and didn’t do. There was no need to, but those were desperate times and I couldn’t think straight.

Like now, when my son has had this persistent cough for months…that just won’t go away even though we’ve seen the doctor a few times and he tells us it is just the weather and it is nothing to worry about.

Even though I believe that I am strong and can do whatever I set my mind to, I find myself holding back sometimes – and just can’t explain why I allow the moment to pass.

But I do know I am a brave person – most of the time. And I am glad that even if I don’t feel so confident inside, I have learned not to show it and go forth and do the thing anyway!

I thought I never had the courage to face an audience, until I did – and was pleasantly surprised to realize I had actually found my vocation!

Oh, by the way – I’ve not been able to work up the courage to do one thing: cut my hair really short like I had it 15 years ago. I am afraid that my already thinning hair will disappear. I just don’t have the guts – even though my folks tease me about seeing the brighter side – different types of wigs – imagine, what fun!

I used to love the exhilaration of the Ferris wheel as a child – but when I took a ride a few years ago, I totally panicked. And I’ll never have the courage to go on that roller-coaster ride, either.

But as I said at the beginning of this post, Life is a great teacher. I have learned to let go of my own expectations to be happier. It works, you know. At any rate, there’s less to be afraid of. And of course we’re all stronger than we think, right?

♥

This is a Finish The Sentence Friday post. And a free-writing exercise.

I am happy to co-host Finish the Sentence Friday today with Tarana at Sand in My Toes (and our sentence thinker upper) and Kristi at Finding Ninee

Finish the Sentence Friday is a lovely blog hop where we have a prompt – and where writers come together and post endings to the current sentence. This week’s is “I’ve never had the courage to…”

Write your post and link up here!

[inlinkz_linkup id=476028 mode=1]